


To Love and to Loathe (and to Love Once Again)

by Romansleftshoulderpad



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit and Remus aren't there for long, M/M, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Pre-Split, Thomas is there a few times, but also after, probably means a much different thing in band fandoms than here huh, there's a long timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22162009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romansleftshoulderpad/pseuds/Romansleftshoulderpad
Summary: “Everything would be the same again.Logic should have known that things rarely go according to plan.”Logic and Creativity were in love and it seemed as though nothing could ruin that. That is, until the split.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	To Love and to Loathe (and to Love Once Again)

They were an unlikely pair, Creativity and Logic. Logic was reserved and serious, while Creativity was loud and unfiltered. They were completely different, but they were in love. Young, childish, innocent love. The kind of love that sticks with you for years and decades afterwards. A pure form of love.

After years of fond sighs and longing gazes, “accidental” hand touches and finding any excuse to be with each other, they finally got together.

The others would teasingly ‘aww’ and gag at the two as they held hands. Morality would always be there to capture the priceless blush on Logic’s face whenever Creativity teased and flirted with him.

“Hey Logitivity,” Morality had greeted one day.

“Logitivity?” Logic asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“It’s your couple name!”

“Oh,” Logic mumbled, letting go of his boyfriend’s hand to hide his blushing face. “I see.”

“It’s perfect, Morality,” Creativity laughed, holding onto Logic and pressing soft lips to his face.

But it was the soft nights in Creativity’s room that Logan had loved the most. Just the two of them lounging around in pajamas and cuddling under blankets and talking about the things they loved. Creativity would turn the ceiling into a starry night sky and wrap his arms around Logan. He could be loud and annoying, and at times inappropriate, but he was also safe and warm. And he was _Logan’s._

Logan’s to love. To cherish. To worship.

He was perfect.

_Logan blinked back the tears in his eyes, clearing his throat when he saw Anxiety staring. It was almost funny how they still called him that, “Anxiety.” Most of them had given up their functions for names years ago, and as he glanced up and saw Roman, he couldn’t help but laugh at how the tables had turned._

Thomas was getting older. He was changing; they all were. Creativity paced back and forth, hardly able to conjure up a single idea. “I don’t get it, Logic! It’s like- it’s like there’s two voices inside of my head and I- I can’t control them.” He dug his hands through his hair, a streak of grey snaking out between his fingers.

“We can get through this,” Logic said.

“We?”

“Yes. We,” he repeated, placing a kiss to Creativity’s cheek. “I’m going to help you.”

Creativity sighed, releasing the tension in his body and happily ragdolling into Logan’s arms. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Logic said with a small chuckle at his boyfriend’s affection as he started falling from the weight leaning on him, “but stop trying to get on top of me.”

“Oh? Would you prefer I get under you then?” Creativity asked with the sly smirk that always set Logan’s face on fire.

Logic shoved his laughing boyfriend on the floor trying to hide his red face. “You’re a rat bastard,” he said trying to look intimidating.

“I’m _your_ rat bastard,” Creativity said, pulling Logic down to the floor with him, laughing and pulling him into a kiss.

That might’ve been the last happy memory Logan had with him. It wasn’t Creativity’s fault, but he would never be the same. The arguing in his head got worse. He could hardly act like himself anymore. Anxiety was growing stronger, becoming a stronger part of Thomas and it only made things worse.

It was like seeing two sides of him. One side was fighting with Anxiety and distrusting Deceit. He blindly agreed with anything Morality told him was good or bad. The other side of him could be cruel towards Morality and outright mocking. He and Deceit acted like best friends, and while he still never liked Anxiety, they had moments of toleration.

Logan seemed to be his only constant, but even then he was unpredictable. Hours of being locking himself up alone and isolated followed by being glued to Logic’s hip. It was exhausting to keep up with, but Logan knew it would be okay. It would just be a phase. Creativity would be back to normal soon enough. And they’d be happy again. Together as they always had been.

Everything would be the same again.

Logic should have known that things rarely go according to plan.

It must’ve been too much for him. Logan often spent days wondering if this was even something he could’ve prevented. Logan often wondered _how_ he could have prevented this. Creativity had locked himself in his room, arguing and shouting with himself.

“He’s been in there for hours,” Morality said, staring at the door.

“Yes, well, I suppose he just needed some privacy,” Logic said, running his fingers over the fabric of his tie.

“Should… should we check up on him?” Anxiety asked, biting his nails. He could begin to see traces of his own eyeshadow on Logic and Morality’s faces. He swallowed down that worry; there was so much on everyone else’s plate and for once he wanted to spare them from himself.

“Ah, yes,” purred Deceit. “We should definitely go walk in on a man in the midst of his temper tantrum. Morality! Why don’t you go first and we can see if that sword of his is real.”

“Fuck off, asshole,” Anxiety muttered.

Everything went silent and none of them dared to move. Everyone turned to Logic. Tears filled to the brim of his eyes and the tension was so thick he could hardly breathe. It was a moment that would change his life- change Thomas- and even now he can still feel the ghost of tears falling down his face. He stood up, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

They had been there, sitting on the ground, staring at the other sides with fear and confusion in their eyes. Logan wasn’t sure what to focus on- them or the way Creativity’s room had lost its balance.

“Creativity?” Morality had asked softly.

“Yes?” both twins responded- one in red; the other in green.

“Which one of you is Creativity?” Anxiety asked.

“I am,” they answered in unison. Their eyes locked on each other. “You’re not Creativity, _I’m_ Creativity! STOP COPYING ME!”

“Logic,” Anxiety said through his teeth, gripping onto Logan’s arm. Logan can still feel that grip and all the panic that caused it. “Can we talk outside for a moment?”

Logic let out a sigh and followed Anxiety, closing the door behind him. Anxiety took a deep breath and Logic couldn’t help but wonder when he had reapplied his eyeshadow. “What the FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?” he yelled.

“You think _I_ know?!” Logic shot back.

“YEAH, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! THAT’S WHY I’M FUCKING ASKING!”

“Can they… re-fuse?” Morality asked. All eyes were stuck on Logic as if waiting to find the exact moment where he snaps. “They’re still… he’s still…” He took a deep breath. “I’m not giving up on him.”

“Logic.”

“I’m not giving up on him, Morality,” he said with a raised voice. “Because he wouldn’t give up on me.”

Deceit cleared his throat. “Perhaps,” he said slowly, “we should talk to them.”

Morality glanced between Logic and the door. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but-“ Deceit rolled his eyes- “he’s right.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” Deceit said before disappearing behind the door.

And so was life. The other sides talked to and about the twins. The longer they stayed, the more Logan knew He was gone. He wasn’t coming back. Logan never even got to say goodbye.

“Logic,” one of the twins said- his voice so similar yet so distinctly different- and Logic’s heart jumped.

He turned, holding his fingers against the boy’s cheek. “Creativity?” he asked, searching for some hint, some semblance of the man he loved. Instead, the twin drew back, no love or even remembrance in his eyes.

“Logic, I- We- wanted to talk to you about something.”

Could they have remembered? Could they re-fuse?

“We’re not exactly fans of being Twin One and Twin Two,” Twin Two said.

Logic nodded, biting his lip.

“Right, well, the imagination is… sort of like a kingdom,” the red twin said. “So, I was, well-”

“Oh just spit it out already,” his brother berated.

He cleared this throat, throwing his hands up in a dramatic pose. “I am Prince Creativity, at your service.” Logic could see his hands shaking and his heart pounding. “Princey for short.”

“And I am the Duke of Creativity,” the other twin said with a bow.

“Ah, well, yes I suppose those _are_ proper titles,” Logic agreed. “Thank you for coming to me with this, er, Princey.”

And now they were here. Creativity- the old Creativity- was long gone. And now Anxiety was ducking out? Quitting?! No, Logan’s eyes were stuck on Anxiety, he couldn’t lose anyone else.

“Why would you do that?” Thomas asked fear and pain stuck in his eyes. Logan began to wonder if the look in Thomas’s eyes mirrored his own.

“Well it didn’t seem like I was _wanted_ ,” he said. “You all made that pretty clear anytime I showed up.”

Logan could feel the room getting to him. It was just the room- being in /any/ side’s room had effects on him. Being in Creativity’s room had never had any effects on him.

Logan wasn’t even sure if he was listening anymore when all he saw was Patton’s mouth moving but heard no words. He glanced towards Roman. Surely he, Creativity, would know what it’s like when a side disappears.

“Well, surely you knew that we were just preparing ourselves for the worst po-“ Roman looked towards Anxiety, taking in a breath. He started over. Logan almost remembered that same lack of forethought before speaking, but not with Roman. Not like this. “Okay, uh, maybe I could rephrase that,” he said, moving his arms nervously. Nervous. Roman was nervous- they all were. It was the damned room, Logan kept reminding himself as the memories came flooding in and he silently screamed _‘Anxiety, please don’t leave me, I have no one else left!’_

“We’re just tensing up because we knew that something bad would- Uh-“ Anxiety looked to Logan and Thomas with exasperation and what can only be described as an “ _are you fucking hearing this_?” face.

“Look,” Roman sputtered, “it’s just- You’re never really fun an-“

“Roman,” Thomas said, channeling his inner mom, “shut up.”

Creativity could be unfiltered, yes, with plenty of innuendos to go around, but he was never uncaring. Roman? Roman wasn’t Creativity. Not the one Logan knew.

“Look! I am the Creative Side,” he justified and Logan’s veins boiled with rage, “not the fluffy, cutesy, kind words-y side.”

Logan’s face burned with tears of grief. What happened to the poet that Logic fell in love with? The one who could create soliloquies about the stars and entire novels about the sparkle in his lover’s eye. Why did he need to go so soon and so unfairly leaving only mediocre replacements in his place?!

Logan blinked back his tears, trying to ground himself. He ignored the knowing look in Patton’s eyes. He was gone. It was all over. “One would think,” he spit, his words like venom as his brain filled with words and poems that could never be replaced, “that the Creative side would be able to come up with a nicer way to talk to others.”

“You’d think the smart side would know when to mind his own business,” Roman spat back with just as much venom.

“Okay, I’m glad you all decided to visit,” Anxiety said, “but if I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would have shown up in person like I usually do.”

Logan took one last look at Roman. And he knew He was gone.

But they were fine now. All of them out of Anxiety’s- Virgil’s- room. He had told them his name. And as they went back to the mindscape, Logan couldn’t help but let his mind continue to play it all on loop.

“Anxi- Virgil,” he called, passing by the other. “Virgil, I, well, I think it was very brave of you to tell us your name.”

“You and I both know what names mean to sides,” Virgil said with a cocky smirk but pity in his eyes.

“Don’t I know it,” he agreed. His eyes passed over Roman’s door- a different room than the one he had spent so much time in. Just as Creativity had, the room split and divided. The two halves lie nowhere near each other nowadays.

“Hey, Logan, are you okay?” he asked quietly. “You and Roman seemed… tenser than usual.”

Logan straightened his spine, doing whatever he could to avoid eye contact. “Well, your room has its… consequences on us all and I am no exception.”

“You miss him. L, we all do, but at some point, you have to-”

“Well, look at the time I must get going now.”

“Logan,” Virgil said. “I’m here for you. You two had something special, I get that. Just… you can talk to me.”

Logan let out a deep breath, turning away as the tears dripped from his eyes. “Goodbye, Virgil.”

“Later, L.”

Logan had tried to sleep that night. He had tried so hard to stop his brain from remembering and nostaligizing each wonderful moment that had since been drowned in pain and agony. It killed him, each and every time he saw his lost love’s smile in Roman’s eyes or his crude jokes from Remus’s voice, it killed him even more.

What is the purpose of happiness if find memories shall cause nothing but hurt in the end? For what purpose should one be open and loving if only for the receiver of that love to vanish and hurt them? Is it truly better to love and lose than to never love at all? Or is such a phrase merely invented by fools trying to console their broken but beating hearts after everything with value is gone forever?

Does the price of a lifetime of weariness and solitude truly match a few fleeting moments of love? With such a tax on one’s heart is there ever any real meaning to loving at all or is it perhaps easier to reject such feelings of positivity in order to free yourself is the attachments of loss and heartbreak? With no reason for happiness, there is certainly an equal promise of no chance for sadness.

Logan stared at the glowing, glittering sky that Creativity had painted on his ceiling. He swallowed the lump in his throat and denied the tears begging for refuge from his eyes. From that moment, Logic promised himself to never feel again nor reflect on a time when feeling was an option. He had to move forward, for Thomas’s sake and his own.

“Good morning, good morning,” Roman sang, humming the rest of the song to himself.

“Well, it’s certainly morning,” Logan said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “I believe that’s all I can agree with you on.”

“Oh don’t be so bitter! It’s a glorious day outside!”

“You can keep adding positive adjectives, but I won’t be able to agree with you on any of them.”

“What’s got you all down in the dumps?” Roman asked with a frown.

Logan took a sip of coffee, keeping his eyes down towards the cup as to avoid breaking down. He couldn’t afford any negative emotions. He couldn’t afford _any_ emotions. “Forgive me if I’m not a beacon of joy today, I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Nightmares?” he asked.

“Something like that.”

They finished their meals in silence. As time went on, most of their alone time was silent. And then it turned to bickering. And then fighting. On and on and on until Roman had turned from someone Logan almost loved to someone he loathed.

They had been mid-argument. Of course, they were. They always were. “Guys, why can’t we just get along?” Patton pleaded.

“We never had any problems getting along when Creativity was here,” Logan said under his breath.

“He’s gone, Logan!” Roman shouted, tears in his eyes. “ _I’m_ Creativity now! But I’m never enough for you, am I? Look, I’m really fucking sorry about your boyfriend, but it’s been _years_ and you need to _let it go!”_ The room went completely silent, save for Roman breaking down in tears.

“Princey,” Virgil said, reading out to hug him.

“Don’t touch me!” he yelled as he ran off, undoubtedly to his room.

“I-“ Logan started but quickly found himself in Virgil’s shadow as Anxiety towered over him.

“You have four hours to fix this or I’m putting that stupid tie of yours through the paper shredder.”

Logan was completely alone.

_“Logic?” Princey asked. “Why don’t we have names?”_

_“Names? What do you mean?”_

_“I mean like_ names _like people have,” he said. “I- I want to be called Roman.”_

_“Roman,” Logic repeated, the word sounding strange and foreign on his tongue.  
“Duke and I have spoken about this a lot,” Roman continued. “And he wishes to be called Remus.”_

_“Remus,” he repeated. “Roman and Remus.” He nodded as if in approval. “I shall alert the other sides and spread this news to them.”_

_“Thank you, Logic,” he said with a smile. “But, before you go, have you ever thought of having a name?”_

_Logic completely stopped in his tracks. He felt like a failing computer or a calculator trying to divide by zero. “I’m sorry?”_

_“A name,” Roman repeated. “Have you ever thought of having one? Surely you represent more than just Logic. Wouldn’t a name be the perfect way to express that?”_

_Logic stopped for a moment. Was Creativi- Prince-_ Roman _right?_

_“You don’t have to,” Roman said in a rush. “But, uh, if you’re looking for a suggestion, I think that ‘Logan’ suits you quite nicely.” The prince smiled and grabbed Logan’s hand, squeezing it for a quick moment before letting it return to Logic’s side._

_Logic- Logan- stood there as Roman skipped away, his hand felt warm like a thousand gentle kisses and a million sleepy hugs. He felt like love. He felt like Creativity._

“Roman?” Logan asked as he knocked on the door. He could hear choked sobs from the inside but when he tried to open the door, he found that it was locked. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, falling to the ground and sitting with his back against the door. “I- I shouldn’t be so hung up on- …everything. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to Remus. It’s not fair… to him.”

There was silence at the door. The crying had stopped, but Logan didn’t even know if he was doing anything right. He just had to pour his heart out. “You named me, which is kind of funny, isn’t it? A name. Such a silly thing for a side to have.” The door opened and Logan found himself lying on the ground with Roman looking down angrily at him with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“I’m not _Him_ , Logan,” he said through gritted teeth.

“I suppose you don’t remember,” Logan replied sadly. “But it was _You_. You told me you wanted to be called Roman. At the time I couldn’t wrap my head around it. But now, it’s so perfect. So fitting. A regal name for the most regal side.”

“You’re being delirious,” Roman said, but a smile shown on his face.

“You remember,” Logan said joyously. He laughed and pulled Roman into a clumsy hug with them both on the floor with Roman laying on top as Logan played with stray strands of his hair. “I’m so glad that you remember.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Roman said.

“I’m- I’m so happy, I- I could kiss you!”

Both boys stayed there, stuck in time as if being painted for a portrait, their foreheads pressed together as their breath ghosted over each other’s mouths. Roman was the first to pull away. His smile was contagious and Logan couldn’t help but laugh.

“Go to your room, Logan,” Roman said with a chuckle. “You’re being delirious.”

They had gotten better as time passed. Maybe not always friends, but certainly not enemies. They were able to form alliances when necessary, even if with half-teasing insults.

“You know, you guys might not think so,” Thomas said, “but you two make a really good team.”

Roman and Logan looked at each other in complete silence. And Roman smiled. A warm, genuine smile that looked so much like Creativity while also being so, _so_ beautifully and uniquely Roman. Logan couldn’t help the tiny but subtle turn of his lips. Roman was contagious.

And time went on. Thomas grew. _They_ grew. Through challenges, deception, and _Remus,_ change was not only inevitable but hopeful as well.

It was the soft nights in Roman’s room that Logan grew to love the most. They would plan videos or organize Thomas’s schedule or even just talk about things like Shakespeare or poetry or music. They’d listen to Pixar music because Roman claims that he always does his best work listening to anything by Thomas Newman.

They had been working carefully when a familiar song played over the speakers and Roman immediately turned it up. He held out a hand for Logan to take. “What are you doing?” Logan asked, fingers curiously ghosting over Roman’s.

“C’mon! It’s true cute love story song from _Up_!” Roman said as if that were an explanation. “I want you to dance with me.”

“I- I don’t know how to dance.”

“That’s okay,” the prince said as he pulled Logan to his feet. “I’ll teach you.”

Their fingers interlocked as Roman guided Logan’s freehand to his shoulder and rested his hand on Logan’s waist. “A little closer,” he whispered, snaking his hand around to the small of Logan’s back. He counted softly as they waltzed around the room, carefully trying to step over pens and notebooks and everything else they had discarded simply to dance.

Logan adored the feeling of Roman’s hand in his. Of Roman’s hand _on_ him. He adored the feeling of Roman’s gentle voice whispered against his ear and he loved how Roman made his heart go wild.

The song lasted so much longer than Logan remembered, yet still never long enough.

When the song ended, they never got back to work. They kept dancing and then laughing and singing and goofing off. “We should have a sleepover!” Roman announced excitedly. His eyes sparkled like the ocean and he spoke with all the energy of an excited puppy. Logan was in love.

“I’d love that,” Logan said.

And there they were, wearing pajamas and staring at a projection of the night sky that ran across Roman’s ceiling. Their hearts raced with adrenaline and everything felt right with the world.

“This is nice,” Roman said quietly, taking Logan’s hand and rubbing his thumb along the knuckles.

“Yeah,” Logan agreed quietly, blushing as he squeezed Roman’s hand. When he turned his head, he found himself nose to nose with Roman. “It really is.”

Logan’s heart raced as the prince moved closer. Was Roman going to kiss him? Did he _want_ Roman to kiss him?! Did he actually love Roman or was he still trying to replace what he lost?

But Roman kissed his cheek and pulled him into a tight embrace as Logan hid his blushing face in the prince’s collarbone. For a brief moment, under the shining starlight, everything seemed perfect with the world. Everything was okay.

And it was love.


End file.
